Congratulations, now that you’re a mum you will perpetually be running a little late. Tardiness is a fact of parenting like how you will lovingly prepare your child’s favourite food for dinner only to be met by gagging, tears and the revelation that it is no longer their favourite food and you are a disgrace to motherhood for even thinking that they would eat it. I don’t know about you but no matter how good my intentions are to leave 10 minutes early or how organized I am, I am always running around yelling “GET YOUR SHOES ON, NO NOT THE FLIP FLOPS IT’S MINUS 20, SWEET LORD LOOK AT THE TIME, MOOOOVE” pretty much every time I need to leave the house. There really is no easy way to get your toddler out of the house quickly.
“Sure honey wear what you want just for the love of all that is holy get out of the house.”
If you somehow reached this post through a search engine I’m going to applaud you for being realistic enough to bypass the posts that promise that you will be able to get your toddler ready and out of the house in 10 easy steps with minimal tears. I’m calling BS on those posts, there is no way on God’s green earth that Emmy is going to get into that car and let me get onto the road in anything close to 10 steps. Whenever we leave the house she packs like a middle aged mother going for a two week holiday to Greece. None of what she takes is of any use but for some reason she feels like if it doesn’t come with us to the supermarket then something dreadful might happen. I guess there might be a time when she might need a plastic onion and an old receipt? So let me share with you my ultimate guide to getting your child out of the house in a realistic number of steps.
An example of the “essentials” Emmy packs.
38 easy and simple steps to get your child out of the house
- Chase t
he olympic 100 metre sprinteryour toddler around the house while pleading with them to just go into their room so you can begin the process of getting them dressed.
- After much coercion and a negotiation battle comparable to what I imagine goes on during a multi-country trade deal get your child up the stairs and into their room. You now owe your child a puppy, a Kinder egg and a trip to one of those intolerable indoor play places.
- Chase child around the upstairs for 15 minutes. I guess you welcome the exercise and now your fitbit can stop telling you that you’re a sloth.
- Catch child, put them under your arm and march to their room in a most authoritative manner.
- Wrestle child to the ground, be sure to pin each limb down or you will get sucker punched in the throat, head, stomach, genitals or boob.
- Pick out clothes for your child to wear.
- Wrong choice.
- Ask them what they want to wear. The answer will be totally inappropriate for whatever season you might be in and will almost certainly include an item of clothing that is sat in the washing machine.
- After more negotiating, dress child in something that is somewhat appropriate (or you can at least live with). This is the tricky part as dressing a toddler is akin to trying to dress an angry octopus (watch out again for those limbs).
- Now move into the bathroom to brush teeth and wash their face.
- Put toothpaste on toothbrush, have child eat toothpaste off brush and demand more.
- Tell them tough luck and turn attention to something else for a millisecond during which time child has turned into a ninja and is eating toothpaste directly out of the tube.
- Shove toothbrush in child’s mouth to keep them occupied so you can turn attention to their hair.
- Arrange hair into some type of pony tail and gather the strange short bit of your kid’s hair with a clip haphazardly.
- Rub washcloth over your toddler’s face as they streak out of the room towards the stairs (you notice that you didn’t close the baby gate during the battle to get them upstairs so you probably have a small heart attack, die for a moment and then realize that you’re a mum and don’t have time to be dead).
- Ask your child nicely to use the potty so they wont pee in the car seat (that’s a gas) or scream that they need to use the potty while you are out and then refuse to use a public toilet.
- Ask your child to use the potty again with a little more force.
- Morph into The Beast and shout at your child to use the potty because you’re now late which will make them cry (ego depletion strikes again). You feel bad and promise them you’ll buy some sort of toy when you’re out.
- Give up on the potty. Maybe they don’t really need to go? Right what’s next? shoes.
- Go to put on your child’s shoes.
- Wrong choice. How could you not know they wanted to wear one rubber boot and one ballet shoe? GOD MUM.
- Finally squash their incredibly rigid foot into their shoe. When did their bones turn to cement?
- Coat time. Put it on backwards first. Then put the wrong arm in the hole. Finally get it on.
- Toddler takes off coat. Your head explodes.
- Get coat back on. No time for mittens and hat. You are now officially late.
- Throw snacks into a bag and get your child to the door.
- Your toddler says they just want to take one thing with them. You concede and let them choose ONE toy. They come back looking like a Sherpa. Whatever.
- Your toddler says they just need one more thing. You refuse and they start to scream again.
- Your patience is totally thinned out now so you tell your toddler that you’re going to put the Roomba on and it will suck them up if they don’t leave the house IMMEDIATELY (just me?).
- Get out of the door FINALLY.
- Just kidding, you need to back inside because your kid has decided they actually do want to use the potty. Is it too late to leave them on the church steps?
- False alarm.
- Get child into car seat. Go to do up buckles and child suddenly decides that they are auditioning for Cirque Du Soleil.
- After folding them in half, quickly do up buckles tight enough to constitute as a straight jacket. They will complain it’s too tight, don’t fall for it, they want some slack to escape when you’re driving at 100kms/hr on the motorway. “Look mummy, I’ve climbed into the trunk!”.
- You did it, everyone is in the car and you’re on your way!
- Realise that you’re wearing your slippers, run back inside.
- Toddler screams that they need to use the potty.
- Give up, you’re a week late anyway.
Take the Timbits, my soul, whatever, just get into the car seat PLEASE.
So as you can see with my easy 38 step plan getting your child out is a cinch! Once you’ve mastered this you might want to consider adding another child into the mix for kicks.
May the odds be ever in your favour.